just so you know X2

a bit more of explaining.

two questions were answered by the radiologist:
one was my desire to get a biopsy to confirm cancer in the nodes.
we looked at my scans together which provided outstanding context.
she showed me where the nodes are and how two little ones are near the surface
and the biggest one is right beside the original pee-squeezing tumor.
she said she is 90% sure the big one is cancer.
she said even if we biopsied one of the little ones and it can back negative
she would not believe it given the looks of the bigger node.
and that big one, its so far in it would be risky to biopsy.
number two is that i was really feeling concerned about the original tumor
and the chance that it may have seeded.
on the PET scan it is not showing itself
i was told though if its less than a centimeter it won't show up.
unsettling.
asking dr. uppal this is the way they do it.
you just can't know.
yuck.
i don't like that.
so this radiologist told me that because the 'tumor' and the node are right next to each other
we can point the big boom booms at the tumor too.
well that made me feel better.
git it gone.

like so many other happenings in my life
i am about to embark on doing something i never thought i would do.
I'm feeling good about it in my guts though.
a lot of white light will be going up in there.
i hope to be starting sometime next week.

lets talk about this more later:
how i want to acknowledge that it may be difficult for you to reach out to me.
lets talk about the uncomfortableness of disease and facing mortality.
cause i feel it effecting me.
and i want to be close to you.
and i want you to hold me sometimes.

c.