the love of old friends.

i start chemo on wednesday.
abraxane the wild horse remember?
jerry led me to a healer who moved my lymph
and helped me have peace with the wild winged horse.
she said the disease had gotten ahead of me and
there was a time for western medicine.
she said there was hope and i believed her
and she put tape all over my back and
i’m scheduled to see her two times a week
to help my body come back to flow.
for i’ve been clenching so deeply into my center
because of the pain.

yesterday a dearest old friend appeared.

because there is nothing like a playmate you’ve known
since you were a teenager.
a playmate who is such a dear old friend
you can bask in remember when’s.
‘remember when you and danny showed up naked at my house
in the middle of winter wearing only scarves and boots?’
yes.
‘remember when i woke up tifph at say 2am when you lived together in taos
in mike reynolds crazy pyramid mansion cause i was drunk
and i wanted to talk to you?’
yes.
remember when summer camp was your life and you often grumpily waited
through the school year to get back there again?
oh my heart is bursting yes.
you made me feel like my life has been full of so much joy.
and you have loved me the whole time even if we haven’t seen one another for years.
for a day i didn’t think about my health.
bless you so deeply.
bless you for vaporizing with me and going to argus
and staring at all the beautiful vegetables.
finally fractal cauliflower and hubbard squash and wild mushrooms and bags of spicy greens
and yellow cucumbers and tomatoes of every friggin color.
i love you.
and you have always touched my life with beauty
and rascally joy and ridiculous adventures and heart open words.
thank you for making my life beautiful again.
for waking me up.
i adore you.
i want to see you again.
i intend to.

a little less claw.

nobody should ever have to make these decisions.
i can’t sleep.
i’ve got a potpourri of opioids.
they make me sleepy but don’t cut the pain.
i never thought walking would be a struggle.
chemo?
a study?
simpson oil?
god?
where are you god?
i wish i knew you better.
so we could talk.

harold is a cuddler.
tonight he gets in bed and kneads my face.
a
little
too
much
claw.
but i let him do it anyway.

prose that is sad because sometimes i am

avoiding shock.
i was stable for years.
still afraid every day
that never changes.
tumors in my abdomen grew recently
and then they grew again
and spread to other places
one being my lungs.
i stopped the IV mistletoe.
i stopped the avastin.
i stopped the PARB inhibitor.
we have hired a company to search studies
hoping for immunotherapy.
before then
i am going to do a small dose of weekly
ABRAXAN.
ABRAXANE is a wild winged horse.
i had a dream.
i woke up with an electric shock surge through my body.
it felt like god.
chemo usually kicks things back quickly.
and i could really use some pain relief in my leg.
so i’m choosing what i didn’t want to choose before.
i can’t walk much.
never thought that would be my world.