tuesday

this morning in bed i told hazel

the medicine the hospital will put in my port
(we have been talking)
will make mama's hair go away.
i told her we were going to shave mama's head soon.
did she want to help?
yeeeeeeeahhhhh!
i dont her i would look different.
she said, goddess bless her spirit. . .
papa different.
aunt b different.
bubi different. . .
how in the?

two days post.

my sister and my aunt beth took hazel in her white fluff tu tu to kroger because all i feel like eating is annie's macaroni in a box. i forgot how much nausea sucks. its real hard gettin the calories in over here.

matt just had to carry me back from a walk in the field because i was so light headed. yuck. i feel so sad matt has to go through this again. the house always a mess of stuff, things coming in, food to freeze, doing EVERYTHING, no space to himself because of all the people who come. which i can totally understand but my need for these people is more important than his angst. i love you matty and you are being wonderful and im so sorry you have to take on the weight of things again when you thought you were almost at a point of recovery.

hazel said 'perhaps i can have some tea'
we have to figure out a way to explain my health to her now, its lasted too long and she's getting mad.

two angel doctors came into my life.
dr. jay sandweiss
and dr lu the chinese acupuncture/herbal savant.

dr lu in one meeting broke my fear and helped me help myself turn it into life.
im getting tired of writing.

chemo was fine. i even had fun. matt and melissa and heather to support me.
the benadryl made me high as a kite.
no negative drug reactions.

yesterday and today
nautious
sensitive skin
achey body
tired

FOR alison 5 good things today

my aunt beth is here
hazel's dress has turned into a shirt and her tush is so cute
going outside
taking a nap
macaroni soon?

now im not sure i can do it.

the update i mean.

matt is in the kitchen making me a bagel after i just cried all over myself post watching the last episode of season two of downton abbey.
i still cant accept this.
will i ever?
maybe its like giving birth to a beautiful child and loving them so deeply and seeing the miracle and thinking, 'i just cant understand this beauty maybe i will later'. . . and you ask a mother with an older child and she says 'no you never do, you never will understand.'
except they cut out my ovaries and my uterus and my eggs were all rotten and i was just getting up the courage to that possibly i could have another child and now i cant ever ever and im a really good momma, i really am.
im really mad. and im really feeling sorry for me.

today we met with dr. liu and asked her an exceedingly large amount of questions. i like her very much. although she cant promise me anything and i wish she could. i wish i had magic powers on that note.

we ended up spending three and a half hours at the hospital in the end, waiting, seeing a chemo scheduling nurse, and getting blood drawn.
oddly enough dr. liu finds much alignment with the mcmullens (the anthroposophical / steiner doctors in town. . .i have an appointment.

we cancelled our therapy per exhaustion and later met with my dear friend jim mcdonald. topics mostly concerning bone broth, supplements and mushrooms, specifically turkey tail.

my chemo is scheduled for the 14th at 8:15 in the morning.
an all day ordeal.
im terrified.
im terrified.
im terrified.

all i can think of is hazel really.
she is growing and changing so fast and i miss our intimate time together.
all i can think of is hazel because i want to be here for her.
she is the most special being in the world.

thank you though.
for all your gifts and cards in the mail, magic potions, mermaids, prayer blankets, juice fairies, food delivered, flowers, beyond kind words and courageous trust.

and time spent.
dearest sister.
selfless husband.
willing parents.

oh and quin. for spooning me the other night even though you do not like to cuddle.

good 'ol girl.

affirmed thoughts from bari.

you're never too old to lie in your father's lap, sob on your mother's shoulder or spoon your sister

i no longer believe everything happens for a reason

the unknown is more terrifying than reality

crying is a sign of strength

hospital food is only a skosh better than airplane food

nurses are selflessly devoted caring beings

my sister's strength, courage, humor and insight displayed the past couple weeks is what has kept me going

it helps to have friends in high places

there is nothing heavier than compassion

the i love lucy show was and still is brilliant

the body is remarkable and knows how to heal itself

a smile from a stranger goes a long long way

lack of control is overwhelming and powerless

my sister is beyond blessed to have the warmest, most generous, uplifting and supporting community of friends

the breath is healing

i love my sister to infinity and wish this was all a bad dream

we don't have the power to make life fair, but we do have the ability to make it joyful

one must turn on the dryer if the goal is to dry ones clothes

hope is faith

my parents are magical

it's impossible to OD on "I Love You's"

cancer sucks

there is nowhere in the world i'd rather be right now than with my sister

silver ponies and stickers make everything better

LOVE SISTER B

juice.

Today Caryn wakes up next to the fire which is burning slowly and Matt puts on his boots to fill it back up with woood. Woooosh, the orange flames are beautiful through the glass.

Caryn's momma "bubbie" arrives and we're reading a story to Hazel while watching the boy cardinals And the girl cardinals out the window.

We are drinking juice to fill the body with nutrients and take it easy on the digestive system for breakfast (a few nibblets of buckwheat sunflower cake). We're gonna make juice a regular part of the routine, oh and get some kefir cultures and a bunch of coconuts to make a brew of young coconut kefir drink, antibacterial and fungal and full of probiotics and electrolytes.

All sorts of support is coming from the community to help, and at this point the best we can think of is small gifts of fresh organic produce for juicing and Kefir-ing.

We're on the lookout for:

Celery, Cucumber, Bok Choy!, Kale, Collards, Chard, Cilantro, Radishes, Aloe, Parsley and Bitter greens (dandelion, frisee, escarole, chicory), Turmeric root, Carrots, Ginger, Wheatgrass.

Green Apple, Frozen Red Raspberries, Blackberries, Blueberries, Cranberries, Lemon, Lime (no other fruits please)

Young Fresh Coconuts! (get by case at Hua Xing, asian market on Washtenaw)

Maitake, Shiitake, Enokitake, King Oyster.

Love love love!

We're excited to bang coconuts open with a hammer after making a sweet drill hole to empty the juice for culturing.

You can drop goodies off in the cooler in the mudroom (through the gate on side of house) at 2234 North Territorial.

A million thanks, friendly friends and family.

Britten and Evan (neighbor buddies)

upon departure.

february third 2013

(to the nurses of 8b)

my mother baked cookies because she is a loving jewish mama and she wanted to say thank you on behalf of our family for all of the confident and kind care you have given me in the past twelve days.

i feel uneasy this morning. of course i would rather be in my own home yet in such a short yet long time this floor has become my home. someone has always been close to help me. i want to leave AND i am fearful of what comes next. this place: a place of my oddly shaped rectangular walking block, of heprin bruised arms and tortured bowels, hazel placed rainbow stickers and tears and tears and tears.

thank you for your smiles
your looks in my eyes
and our moments of laughter
i will forever be grateful

blessings.
caryn simon

eating it all up.

A lot of progress this weekend so far!

Caryn is unhooked from her IV, because she's drinking normally. She can eat solid foods! Ronnie is making her spaghetti with tomato sauce. And she's eating tapioca pudding and applesauce and crackers and mashed potatoes. Nausea is much better, and is staying away as long as she's reasonable in what she eats.

The best news is that she may be able to go home tomorrow morning. I'm so excited, and so is Hazel. The doctor said she can go up and down stairs as long as it feels OK. She just can't do any heavy lifting.

Caryn says she'll post something again soon.

-matt