note to incoming self: get IV fluids.

you know how when you are sick for a few days you begin to loose your mental facilities?
and not just your ability TO think but the thoughts that reside in your kepi get kind of dark and lonely?
i had forgotten it is the same with chemotherapy.

so you feel like you are DYING because you kind of are. and there are these wonderful homeopathic mistletoe injections you are doing to boost your immune system and fight cancer and when you reach the correct inoculation point do you know how you can tell?
you get flu symptoms.
which is good.
but oh man does it suck balls. (excuse me).
and if you have already hot flashes and your belly hurts its a little difficult to place it all.

but that is what was happening.
IM ALMOST INOCULATED!

so yesterday jenna suggested and master kim and dr. miller confirmed i could benefit from IV fluids.
AND blessed be the university of michigan was able to accommodate me without struggle.
(remind me to tell you about leaking nephroskpy bags and bullshit! ((excuse me again )).

the difference was palpable.
and i was able to finish in time to go see my girl's gymnastics class!

when betsy and i walked in the door and i spotted her in her piggies and her pink and purple one-piece with little shorts unitard i went up real close and she turned into a barnacle and squeaked, 'mommie mommie mommie mommie!'
she hardly ever calls me mommie. i could feel her little body buzzing.

some photos of her so you can see how she glows:
in devotion,
caryn.

p.s. is anyone who submitted their email getting update notifications?
       it seems blogger is having a glitch.




at the a2 skatepark with her papa.                                                          up north with bubbe, saba, auntie b and dan.                                                                                                 

  

at the aviary in grand rapids with grandma and grandpa and auntie sarah and cousin augie.
sarah told me h said:
'auntie sarah they are hurting me but its okay!'
so hazel.



last night listening to george michael and queen with levi before they went to bed.

down day.

dr. miller said i was one gallon low on water.
being in the car brought the moans.
chemo did bring discomfort to my body 
AND to my heart.
snake-like trying to crawl outside my body. trainspotting?
looking at condos today and getting closer to decisions that solidify the chancing time.
sitting against the wall with my head in my hands while stu asks all the right questions.
i feel melancholy.
sad for how things went that got us here.
to be making a space just for me and hazey.
the translucent curtains shifted and i let some mourning come out.
i keep ending up in places that i never thought i would.
over and over.
like really different places.
dr. miller says it will all make sense soon.
he's pretty magic so I'm going to hang on.
c.

hello mr. Barak Obama.

hello Mr. Barak Obama whom I respect very much.  

I'm writing in hopes that I can receive some support

for my current medical situation. 

I am a 39 year old mother of a five year old girl-child. 

my husband of 7 years and I just recently decided to separate. 

literally 3 days later I was re-diagnosed with ovarian cancer. 

we have very expensive insurance because of my history

of cancer and because I have the BRAC1 gene I have both a yearly MRI

and mammogram testing. 

we are above the poverty line but by no means wealthy. 

my husband-ish is a native plant landscaper. 

I am a birth doula, herbalist, and stay at home mama. 

honestly we spend the majority of our income on organic non-processed food for our family. 

prior to my re-diagnoses we were spending

13-15% of our income on my hospital health care. 

this is not to mention the other 3 alternative healers

we pay for out of pocket. oye!

I recently applied for Msupport from the university

of michigan and was denied because we have modest savings. 

I ask you is it now expected that we spend our combined 

life savings on my cancer treatment?

and not just that, we are

trying to sell our 2 acre farm because we will now need

to rent two separate homes. 

the one thought I have is that We could quick quick

file for divorce so I could get Medicaid as I am unable to work. 

not only will that take a long time to process I'm sure, but I feel like I would just be trying to get around the system. honestly my heart is not ready to do that if you can understand. 

what would you advise I do in this situation?

being a individual who operates from the heart I am having trouble

believing that I am simply bound to be stuck here without a creative solution from my government. 

I very much appreciate you taking the time to read my little novel here. 

please I hope you will respond as soon as you are able. 

blessings on your beautiful family

and on your path always. 

Caryn Simon. 

about my work:

www.carynascreatrix.com

about my journey with cancer:

http://dancinginsidemyself.blogspot.com/

what is really happening.

is that my insides are dying.
some of them.
i can really feel it and it is spooky and disorienting.
im nervous i won't sleep tonight.
c.



the opposite of how i am feeling is here in this fecundity:

i am inside a fun house of nostalgia.
c.