words written for you and read on october 5th.

im feeling reflective

im feeling shy
im looking back on my life
with all of you in it
and im seeing the times when we came together
when our hearts were most open
or willing or weeping
and look at all of you here listening to me
eyes shiny and still
i love you all dearly
you fill up my life
tender-hearted
you have given to me
to my husband, my daughter, my parents, my sister. . .
wait no-
gratitude is for you too
my blood family
my chosen love and our light

if i were a tree youve been stones all around me
stone people who carry wisdom and know of the calm
stones that also sometimes splinter and crack and
weep and weep and weep and
all of you here and some of you far away
my beloveds

who sat beside my all day chair
who answered my phone calls of indecipherable panic
who shared your own brave stories
who fed us, who fed us with such goodness
who stayed with me when i feared to be alone
who danced with me when i had just enough courage
who kept their vows
who wrote to me with such generous encouragement
who loved my daughter when i feared i could not give her enough

but i was wrong
it did not matter and she is the proof
i sat watching her one day at a friends home
playing with my friends daughter
while i sat bundled on the cement front walk
too tired
and belly sick to be present with her
i watched her
and i could see she was happy
strong in her body
confident, wild
and i realized
she had absolutely no idea i was sick

i mean she knew
she had seen my skin ghostly white after surgery
but she kissed my face anyway
she knew i spent a lot of time at the hospital
getting medicine i told her, getting medicine
she knew i yelled out in pain when she jumped on my belly
but
she wanted for nothing
she had everything she needed
not just food and shelter and paper and crayons
love
she had so much **** love
she did not feel a loss
she was full
and i am inconceivably thankful.

to all of you
thank you from the bowls of my being
my blood and my bones and my skin
there will never be enough thanks i can give you
every single one of you
for all you have offered to me
thank you for giving me the space to heal
you are shining lights i will keep inside me always
you are the proof of the importance of community
i knew it all along
but never so great could i have imagined the power

please know you have held me
and that i was aware in that moment
that i was being held

-----------

my lovely generous mama has cooked to feed us all
when i was young she told me this was how she showed her love for us
in her food
she put her love in the food

please eat and be merry!
talk bounce laugh and be
you are all connected by my love
so already you can love one the other

i adore you all
i always will