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Friday, May 16, 2014

the day after.

i took myself out to the garden today. i used to pull many little weeds that i leave to sit now. like yellow dock and evening prim. chickweed and wild berry to transplant. time to care for myself when i dawn (oh) that is way i have been unable to breathe. only certain things really matter. master kim says for me those two are 1. my health 2. relationship. i think I'm still in the initial shock from the mammogram callback. i visualize the gash in my breast. there is no cancer inside. thank the goddess.

Wednesday, May 14, 2014

waiting 1 day.

writing has been hard.
i think about it.
i dont do it.
i decided on the surgical biopsy,
and had that yesterday.
the results should be back tomorrow.
it has to be nothing.
it just has to be.

Monday, April 21, 2014

i had a redo

birthday the day after my own.
a whole bunch of my favorite people in all the world
gathered up at the rollerskating rink in brighton
and we has more fun than fun.
really, i think I'm healing my middle school trauma of never being asked to dance/skate with a boy.
hazel was so great, she totally did not need us at all,
she small-step-skated for hours.
we wore sequined headbands because it was a flashback to the 80's.

my fear/anger/terror is shifting.
this is something i just have to get through.
and i know i will be okay.

i have to choose between two different biopsy options. both done in an MRI machine.
nothing showed up on the mammograms or on the ultrasound, which is good.
but there is now way to know if its benign thus needles in my boob.
(for me that is the scariest part as the analgesic shot they gave me to remove my port
was one of the most painful things i have ever experienced.

yesterday was sunday and matt was off burning.
hazel and i went to dance church off huron.
complete total bliss. her shirt off, running sticking' out her round belly in a little pink ballet shirt.
girl is in her body.
i went in feeling such despair and isolation and fear/sadness.
and DEAR CARLA i came out breathing and in love.
dance is my heart tool now.
its really deep and i don't know that you can understand unless it is yours too.
it rocks my world.
and has introduced me to still a new community of dearest loved ones.

after nap we went out to the medicinal garden to get all dirty with the mother
and pull up the duff to greet the little babies.
hazel is finally in a place where we can be outside and play or not play together
yet i can be fully immersed in my plant passion
and often she is right beside me.

today i taught her how to talk to the plants if she wants to glean from them.
to ask permission and listen closely for the answer.



Saturday, April 19, 2014

before

i go to bed i want to thank all of you for the lovely birthday wishes.

i request a do-over though.

just to let you know when i went to get an ultrasound today and subsequent mammograms
the technician tried to tell me that she was going to take an image of my left breast.

i told her it was my right.

she left the room.

she came back and told me yes, it was my right.

thank you.

someone had transcribed it wrong.

whoops! no big deal.


Thursday, April 17, 2014

fuck everything. (x rated potty mouth post).

of course i did not write when i was dancing high and full.
when i completed my stunning new doula website.
when new photos of my products were shot.
when the dance continued and filled all those in it with love and connectedness.

guess what i get for my birthday?

a fucking inconclusive MRI.
taken tuesday (100mg of benadryl is way too much) and receptionist who told me the tube was completely closed and i would be in it for an hour which is why i took the benadryl, hey receptionist:
FUCK YOU. get your shit straight! this is my life you are misinforming.
benadryl left me shaky through until the end of wednesday.

i woke from a nap with hazel today and found a message from 'the university of michigan' could i please return the call. seriously? that is all you are going to say and you expect me to call you back? how about what department you are calling from? how about what it is concerning?

the woman says the technician wants me to return for an ultrasound. further testing.
that is enough to freak my shit out. why? i ask. oh we can't tell you that.
ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS? i might have even said that.
so would you like to schedule your ultrasound right now?
you are going to call a very recently healthy cancer survivor and tell her that she needs further testing and not tell her why? no i don't want to schedule a fucking ultrasound. click.

i phone my PCP. i speak to a nurse after breaking down crying to the male receptionist. actually i really need to speak to a nurse RIGHT NOW i can't wait for someone to call me back.

nurse reads the MRI report. its taking way to long for her to read it and i am getting near hysterical.
hysterical hysterectomy. I've been there.
so there is a non-mass enhancement in my right breast.
please nurse, what is a non-mass enhancement?
oh you DONT FUCKING KNOW? this is awesome. the fucking medical community really knows how to respect me in my time of need. oh my doctor will call me back? today? you think so? i need to talk to her today, this is ridiculous. its my birthday tomorrow. . . happy fucking birthday to me huh?

while waiting for my PCP to call the office of my oncologist called about scheduling an ultrasound
AND a mammogram. i had a mammogram a few months ago. are you sure? the imaging people told me just an ultrasound. whats that you say? anytime you have a mass you need to. . . oh I'm going to cut you off there. is it your first day? its a NON-MASS. are you looking at my chart. its a NON-MASS, not a mass. it my life a joke to you? do you think you could read my fucking chart before you call me?

PCP calls. no new information. does not put me at ease at all about if i should be concerned or not.
a non-mass means it is not a clearly outlined mass. its more foggy like a shadow. I'm mot sure if this is better or worse.

fuck my genes.

happy birthday ultrasound scheduled for tomorrow.


Sunday, April 6, 2014

i think

i think i heard hazel say
when she peeled up the piece of hot pink
duct tape
from her
perfect peachy arm
"i have some chemo under here."

Friday, March 14, 2014

focus in.

i must explain a bit further why i call out.
when i say i am lonely,
please know that in my everyday existence
i am expanding and am connected
and am soaking into all the love i receive.
i am not lonely always.

i am lonely when i think of my cancer.
the moment in comes to mind
i see a shadow version of myself sinking down
a deep long grey/black tunnel.
i am totally alone in this place
with flashes of vivid horrible memories
and my missing insides
and drifting in and out of a morphine daze
with feelings i don't yet understand
and no one to be so present with me like i desire.

that presence is in my mind exactly how i imagine it.

i frequently hit a wall expecting matt to fill this role
but he cannot.
and does not.
its craving women compassion.

Wednesday, March 12, 2014

because though you see me well, it will never be done.

i have chosen to recreate my university care-pages blog in a new crispy form.
because often i feel alone.
still dealing with the disfigurement.
the loss.
the fear.
the timelessness.
the anger.
the pity.
the out-of-body ride.

i think of you.
you whom gave so freely of your love in 2013.
have you filled the space i rested in in your mind with something new?
i realize i still need you.
my body is free of cancer today.
but it is still pulsing with poison.
debilitating tendonitis.
and tales of intestinal woe.

ive come to an alone place after a long time of knowing
so deeply the love of my community.
should i seek now only the company of strangers who have also survived cancer?

i ask still for your prayers.
i have much to tell.

please visit me here.



its not that nothing has happened.


lots has happened. ive spent too much time cast between sharing it because i have been, sharing it because i need to do so for myself, and not sharing it because it is freak freak freaky. ugh. im here now. some much needed alone time while matt and h are on lake michigan with his family. i spent most of yesterday outside planting in the 2 medicinal gardens and the veg. surprised at how strong i felt after not feeling strong for so long.
my last chemo was may 16th. it was the hardest yet either for accumulative reasons or because i didnt have the right nausea meds the day after. it was a long week of sadness and discomfort. dr liu wants me to go every 4 weeks now because i got sent home for low counts again before the 16th. lots of nupagin, lots of frustration. grief put away pouring out only because it managed to find a tiny hole in my shields. in late april i had an unexpected surgery because the cuff that was sewn at the top of my vagina after my uterus was removed opened up and when i sat down to pee one sunday my intestines came out. yeah. holy **** it is. i was home alone and dialed for help from a friend and an ambulance while simultaneously holding my intestines in. yeah it sucked but i laughed about it once i got to the emergency room because it was the only way i knew how to deal. how did this happen? yes.
later i cried. cried cried. sometimes i feel like a robot-body. it and out the parts and in and out the poison and a big freaking painful port on my chest that bulges out because i have no upper body fat. it was a couple weeks of poor caryn. poor poor caryn feeling sorry for myself.
in early may i got the results of my genetic testing back. what i knew already was true. i have the BRAC1 gene. as does my mother. my sister does not. this means 2 things for me. one i will have to be monitored for breast cancer every 6 months for the rest of my life.
two hazel has a 50% chance of also carrying the gene.
matt continues to be exhausted of having a sick wife.
sometimes i dont know why he stays.
i realized that we have gone from help with meals after hazel was born to meals when i had ppd to meals now when i have cancer almost seamlessly.
what a blessing to have friends.
what a tragic 3 years for me.
except for hazel. the best thing that has ever come to be in my life.

tomorrow

three open visiting spaces!
http://doodle.com/s3fnsn7vazxzxaaw
thank you beloveds for a lovely pretend birthday yesterday.
wet lil rain-coated toddlers.
a bounty of olives.
sun and rain.
nappin quin.
waffles with yoghurt and blueberry sauce.
a soft pillow.
pretty things from sweetness.
time alone.
corned beef zing with russian dressing.
a quick end to a burn day for matt.
puddles to jump in.
roasted dandelion root tea.
love by hugs.
white counts good i pray.
c.