lots has happened. ive spent too much time cast between sharing it because i have been, sharing it because i need to do so for myself, and not sharing it because it is freak freak freaky. ugh. im here now. some much needed alone time while matt and h are on lake michigan with his family. i spent most of yesterday outside planting in the 2 medicinal gardens and the veg. surprised at how strong i felt after not feeling strong for so long.
my last chemo was may 16th. it was the hardest yet either for accumulative reasons or because i didnt have the right nausea meds the day after. it was a long week of sadness and discomfort. dr liu wants me to go every 4 weeks now because i got sent home for low counts again before the 16th. lots of nupagin, lots of frustration. grief put away pouring out only because it managed to find a tiny hole in my shields. in late april i had an unexpected surgery because the cuff that was sewn at the top of my vagina after my uterus was removed opened up and when i sat down to pee one sunday my intestines came out. yeah. holy **** it is. i was home alone and dialed for help from a friend and an ambulance while simultaneously holding my intestines in. yeah it sucked but i laughed about it once i got to the emergency room because it was the only way i knew how to deal. how did this happen? yes.
later i cried. cried cried. sometimes i feel like a robot-body. it and out the parts and in and out the poison and a big freaking painful port on my chest that bulges out because i have no upper body fat. it was a couple weeks of poor caryn. poor poor caryn feeling sorry for myself.
in early may i got the results of my genetic testing back. what i knew already was true. i have the BRAC1 gene. as does my mother. my sister does not. this means 2 things for me. one i will have to be monitored for breast cancer every 6 months for the rest of my life.
two hazel has a 50% chance of also carrying the gene.
later i cried. cried cried. sometimes i feel like a robot-body. it and out the parts and in and out the poison and a big freaking painful port on my chest that bulges out because i have no upper body fat. it was a couple weeks of poor caryn. poor poor caryn feeling sorry for myself.
in early may i got the results of my genetic testing back. what i knew already was true. i have the BRAC1 gene. as does my mother. my sister does not. this means 2 things for me. one i will have to be monitored for breast cancer every 6 months for the rest of my life.
two hazel has a 50% chance of also carrying the gene.
matt continues to be exhausted of having a sick wife.
sometimes i dont know why he stays.
i realized that we have gone from help with meals after hazel was born to meals when i had ppd to meals now when i have cancer almost seamlessly.
what a blessing to have friends.
what a tragic 3 years for me.
except for hazel. the best thing that has ever come to be in my life.
sometimes i dont know why he stays.
i realized that we have gone from help with meals after hazel was born to meals when i had ppd to meals now when i have cancer almost seamlessly.
what a blessing to have friends.
what a tragic 3 years for me.
except for hazel. the best thing that has ever come to be in my life.
hazel is a bright light. It's in her eyes.
ReplyDeletei know.
Deleteit has always been there.
it mystifies me.