home.

i am.
no longer neutropenic.
2.3 today.
the air is cool.
and at this moment i am not having a hot flash.
bliss.

yeah I don't know why I am up either.

I am so very deeply touched by those of you offering to be my stand-in family. clearly you already are. I am blessed beyond the beyond. I meant what I said when I wrote that my friends are the best. because Marianne was with me at the ER until I went zzzzzzzz and back the next morning and feeding Quinny at my house and her cats at her house. Tina agreed to take hazel in seconds even though one of her homeschooled eldest daughters was preparing to leave the country the next day. she fed and clothed hazel (because I forgot to pack clothes) and even provided the morning cuddles the next day that hazel requires and really anyone would be a fool to turn down. how beautiful are these angels in my life? really, even though all my blood family was out of town- I was confident and gracious knowing I would still be blessed with care from my heartfamily.

bari turned around in her tracks and came back from the cabin because that is the kind of sister she is. i told her she did not need to, that I had the care I needed, but she said, "no really I will see you in the morning."

matt returned from his men's-group-goes-a-camping trip (yes my husband is that groovily advanced) at 10pm last night and got right into his truck without even going inside to show up at my room here.

this mom and dad, is why you should truly believe me that you do not need to return early from your vacation.
cant you feel it in your heart?

WE have it covered.

special thanks to the frita batitas party crew: jenna bari grace and Elliot
m.a.: my other sister, the rabbi even said so
tina: the queen goddess of hazels second family
bari: my devoted sister
and all of you who have offered to help so truly that if I needed company I really would call you: Sandra Lorraine alison kate sheri Carisa heather pat Elissa grace

I love love all or you.

seriously? or it's so good to know you have friends.

title dedicated to Kurt Vonnegut

I'm in the hospital again.
I came to the ER early evening Saturday with a temp of 102.6
which I only took because my friend Marianne asked me if I had taken it
I had not
hot flashes can in fact can be confused with a temp
if you are out of your mind hot cold hot cold in the only air conditioned room in the house
not sleeping not sleeping belly muscles sore from water slides
throbbing headache and possibly a broken toe?
no

they say I have pneumonia
and at admittance I had no symptoms
because my white counts are so low they cannot work to create symptoms
can you wrap your head around that?
now I am developing those symptoms
painful deep breaths.
feels like my ribs are broken.
my whites are at 0.3 or something ungodly

matt is camping in the dunes
my parents are in Chicago and Pennsylvania
bari is at the cabin
sarah is camping
all my immediate family gone
same situation as the fun intestine adventure

that is why I say it is good to have friends
mine are the best

a fine choice.

on monday.

off to the ER for iv fluids.
after beloved mama jenna fortified me
with coconut water
salty potatoes
and lemon honey water.
i dozed in and out of a finagrin daze.
this heat is oppressive.
this no air-conditioned **** hot flashing heat.
matt came to sit beside me.
ever giving.
ever loving.
ever understanding.
a stunning father to my hazel.

who told me that while she is at bubbe's today
she will pick me a BIG box of blueberries.
for us to share.
she will tie it up with a bow.
a blue one.
a pink one.
a green and a red one.
then we will rip it off and eat them allllllllllllllll!

one day post infusion 6 (the last).

i do lapse between updates. i do i do.

everyone askes me if i am so excited.
so happy to be finished with my chemotherapy.
done! done!
why do i not feel as excited at they do?
in the beginning i imagined i would.
i feel dull. in a cloudy haze of limbo.
will i feel better one i get my first CT scan in three weeks
and it comes back clean?
i think so.
i need therapy.
i am now being referred to the breast cancer and genetic counseling
divisions of the u of m oncology department.
to deal with the BRAC1 aspect of my heredity.
the part that now effects my breasts even though my uterus and ovaries are gone.
dr lui. will not see me for this new phase.
she will continue to see me for routine check ups.
she said that my CA125 has been such a good marker for me that
we can test it alone at return visits along with a physical exam
and hold off on more CT scans unless they become necessary.
currently my CA125 is 3!
that feels like good news.
i adore dr rebecca liu.
bari says i entertain her, amuse her, i am a happy challenge to her schedule.
i always make her laugh.
its nice.

what do you want to know?
ill write more later.