focus in.

i must explain a bit further why i call out.
when i say i am lonely,
please know that in my everyday existence
i am expanding and am connected
and am soaking into all the love i receive.
i am not lonely always.

i am lonely when i think of my cancer.
the moment in comes to mind
i see a shadow version of myself sinking down
a deep long grey/black tunnel.
i am totally alone in this place
with flashes of vivid horrible memories
and my missing insides
and drifting in and out of a morphine daze
with feelings i don't yet understand
and no one to be so present with me like i desire.

that presence is in my mind exactly how i imagine it.

i frequently hit a wall expecting matt to fill this role
but he cannot.
and does not.
its craving women compassion.

because though you see me well, it will never be done.

i have chosen to recreate my university care-pages blog in a new crispy form.
because often i feel alone.
still dealing with the disfigurement.
the loss.
the fear.
the timelessness.
the anger.
the pity.
the out-of-body ride.

i think of you.
you whom gave so freely of your love in 2013.
have you filled the space i rested in in your mind with something new?
i realize i still need you.
my body is free of cancer today.
but it is still pulsing with poison.
debilitating tendonitis.
and tales of intestinal woe.

ive come to an alone place after a long time of knowing
so deeply the love of my community.
should i seek now only the company of strangers who have also survived cancer?

i ask still for your prayers.
i have much to tell.

please visit me here.

its not that nothing has happened.

lots has happened. ive spent too much time cast between sharing it because i have been, sharing it because i need to do so for myself, and not sharing it because it is freak freak freaky. ugh. im here now. some much needed alone time while matt and h are on lake michigan with his family. i spent most of yesterday outside planting in the 2 medicinal gardens and the veg. surprised at how strong i felt after not feeling strong for so long.

my last chemo was may 16th. it was the hardest yet either for accumulative reasons or because i didnt have the right nausea meds the day after. it was a long week of sadness and discomfort. dr liu wants me to go every 4 weeks now because i got sent home for low counts again before the 16th. lots of nupagin, lots of frustration. grief put away pouring out only because it managed to find a tiny hole in my shields. in late april i had an unexpected surgery because the cuff that was sewn at the top of my vagina after my uterus was removed opened up and when i sat down to pee one sunday my intestines came out. yeah. holy **** it is. i was home alone and dialed for help from a friend and an ambulance while simultaneously holding my intestines in. yeah it sucked but i laughed about it once i got to the emergency room because it was the only way i knew how to deal. how did this happen? yes.
later i cried. cried cried. sometimes i feel like a robot-body. it and out the parts and in and out the poison and a big freaking painful port on my chest that bulges out because i have no upper body fat. it was a couple weeks of poor caryn. poor poor caryn feeling sorry for myself.
in early may i got the results of my genetic testing back. what i knew already was true. i have the BRAC1 gene. as does my mother. my sister does not. this means 2 things for me. one i will have to be monitored for breast cancer every 6 months for the rest of my life.
two hazel has a 50% chance of also carrying the gene.

matt continues to be exhausted of having a sick wife.
sometimes i dont know why he stays.
i realized that we have gone from help with meals after hazel was born to meals when i had ppd to meals now when i have cancer almost seamlessly.
what a blessing to have friends.
what a tragic 3 years for me.
except for hazel. the best thing that has ever come to be in my life.

tomorrow

three open visiting spaces!

http://doodle.com/s3fnsn7vazxzxaaw

thank you beloveds for a lovely pretend birthday yesterday.

wet lil rain-coated toddlers.
a bounty of olives.
sun and rain.
nappin quin.
waffles with yoghurt and blueberry sauce.
a soft pillow.
pretty things from sweetness.
time alone.
corned beef zing with russian dressing.
a quick end to a burn day for matt.
puddles to jump in.
roasted dandelion root tea.
love by hugs.

white counts good i pray.

c.