i had a redo

birthday the day after my own.
a whole bunch of my favorite people in all the world
gathered up at the rollerskating rink in brighton
and we has more fun than fun.
really, i think I'm healing my middle school trauma of never being asked to dance/skate with a boy.
hazel was so great, she totally did not need us at all,
she small-step-skated for hours.
we wore sequined headbands because it was a flashback to the 80's.

my fear/anger/terror is shifting.
this is something i just have to get through.
and i know i will be okay.

i have to choose between two different biopsy options. both done in an MRI machine.
nothing showed up on the mammograms or on the ultrasound, which is good.
but there is now way to know if its benign thus needles in my boob.
(for me that is the scariest part as the analgesic shot they gave me to remove my port
was one of the most painful things i have ever experienced.

yesterday was sunday and matt was off burning.
hazel and i went to dance church off huron.
complete total bliss. her shirt off, running sticking' out her round belly in a little pink ballet shirt.
girl is in her body.
i went in feeling such despair and isolation and fear/sadness.
and DEAR CARLA i came out breathing and in love.
dance is my heart tool now.
its really deep and i don't know that you can understand unless it is yours too.
it rocks my world.
and has introduced me to still a new community of dearest loved ones.

after nap we went out to the medicinal garden to get all dirty with the mother
and pull up the duff to greet the little babies.
hazel is finally in a place where we can be outside and play or not play together
yet i can be fully immersed in my plant passion
and often she is right beside me.

today i taught her how to talk to the plants if she wants to glean from them.
to ask permission and listen closely for the answer.

before

i go to bed i want to thank all of you for the lovely birthday wishes.

i request a do-over though.

just to let you know when i went to get an ultrasound today and subsequent mammograms
the technician tried to tell me that she was going to take an image of my left breast.

i told her it was my right.

she left the room.

she came back and told me yes, it was my right.

thank you.

someone had transcribed it wrong.

whoops! no big deal.

fuck everything. (x rated potty mouth post).

of course i did not write when i was dancing high and full.
when i completed my stunning new doula website.
when new photos of my products were shot.
when the dance continued and filled all those in it with love and connectedness.

guess what i get for my birthday?

a fucking inconclusive MRI.
taken tuesday (100mg of benadryl is way too much) and receptionist who told me the tube was completely closed and i would be in it for an hour which is why i took the benadryl, hey receptionist:
FUCK YOU. get your shit straight! this is my life you are misinforming.
benadryl left me shaky through until the end of wednesday.

i woke from a nap with hazel today and found a message from 'the university of michigan' could i please return the call. seriously? that is all you are going to say and you expect me to call you back? how about what department you are calling from? how about what it is concerning?

the woman says the technician wants me to return for an ultrasound. further testing.
that is enough to freak my shit out. why? i ask. oh we can't tell you that.
ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS? i might have even said that.
so would you like to schedule your ultrasound right now?
you are going to call a very recently healthy cancer survivor and tell her that she needs further testing and not tell her why? no i don't want to schedule a fucking ultrasound. click.

i phone my PCP. i speak to a nurse after breaking down crying to the male receptionist. actually i really need to speak to a nurse RIGHT NOW i can't wait for someone to call me back.

nurse reads the MRI report. its taking way to long for her to read it and i am getting near hysterical.
hysterical hysterectomy. I've been there.
so there is a non-mass enhancement in my right breast.
please nurse, what is a non-mass enhancement?
oh you DONT FUCKING KNOW? this is awesome. the fucking medical community really knows how to respect me in my time of need. oh my doctor will call me back? today? you think so? i need to talk to her today, this is ridiculous. its my birthday tomorrow. . . happy fucking birthday to me huh?

while waiting for my PCP to call the office of my oncologist called about scheduling an ultrasound
AND a mammogram. i had a mammogram a few months ago. are you sure? the imaging people told me just an ultrasound. whats that you say? anytime you have a mass you need to. . . oh I'm going to cut you off there. is it your first day? its a NON-MASS. are you looking at my chart. its a NON-MASS, not a mass. it my life a joke to you? do you think you could read my fucking chart before you call me?

PCP calls. no new information. does not put me at ease at all about if i should be concerned or not.
a non-mass means it is not a clearly outlined mass. its more foggy like a shadow. I'm mot sure if this is better or worse.

fuck my genes.

happy birthday ultrasound scheduled for tomorrow.

i think

i think i heard hazel say
when she peeled up the piece of hot pink
duct tape
from her
perfect peachy arm
"i have some chemo under here."