by not writing.

i avoided the roller coaster of emotions experienced between then and now.

everything i had pushed down emotionally to function on all realms
started to seep up after i was called cancer free.
dr lu, my savior in words, told me most people going through remission get depressed.
i was not alone, but i was scared for obvious reasons.
he needs me to keep pushing forward and get well he says.
now is not the time to process old wounds.
okay.
so i am doing that working now.

AND
hazel and i are headed off to the lama foundation in northern new mexico tomorrow morning!
we will take the train through chicago and end up in lamy nm sunday at 2:30.
spend some time with new friends from last summer in pilar for a few days
and then head up the mountain in time for shabbat on friday night.

we will be away from michigan for 2 to 3 weeks, depending how i do with my strength.
friends on the mountain have already volunteered to help out with hazel.

hazel will turn 3 on the mountain!
we will probably spend a good part of the afternoon running around in circles inside the dome
as we did last year for her 2nd birthday.

we will be out of e-mail contact
but will be able to check messages and texts by phone.

yey! we are so excited!
i love to share this place with my daughter.
it is the blessing i get at this time,
i will take it.

c.

on second thought.

you are right diana.

i wanted dr liu to tell me i was all good.
that the cancer was gone.
that i was in the clear.
she smiled (because she is used to me egging her),
and said "you are in remission."
she wouldnt say it.

so why can't i?

is it like taking away the power of a birthing mama
by telling her she was delivered of a healthy child?
instead of the truth?
that SHE pushed that baby out with all of her power and might?

I AM CANCER FREE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

maybe now i can celebrate more deeply.
let go of that last bit of fear,
because it does me no good to hang onto it.

thank you friend.

remission.

today dr liu brought the news that last weeks CT scan came up clear.

remind me how to breathe?
this whole illness has ben a dream i cant relate to.
i still feel like i have not processed most of what it has brought.
this too, i told a friend that i feel like i am not connected to the earth.
im literally floating 2 inches above it.
i miss my feet on the ground.

matt and bari and i went out for breakfast at fancy zola's after my visit.
there was a texting frenzy and some turkish eggs.

i have been so very deeply touched by the prayers and kindness and love you have all shown me.
i started to cry last night when i read that an old friend was praying for me with her girlfriend
and a circle of friends in st louis. because i know she really was. that is her way. i know she was not just taking a minute, she was taking many and if i stood really still i could feel what was sent.
so many of you have told me that you have been praying for me and i believe every single one of you.
its hard to take that in sometimes. i feel more blessed by the love of my family and community than i can ever put words to. i cant touch it.

after the news today i felt like i wanted to have a private party with each one of you.
sipping tea, gentle music, cuddles and light in our eyes.

i told hazel in the simple words we have shared about this
and she scrunched up her nose and grinned.
bringing her little paws up beside her cheeks like a squirrel,
she does this when she gets excited.
this child is zest.

i am getting my port taken out in 7 days.
i see not reason to cling to 'just in case.'

gratitude gratitude.
caryn.

another tomorrow.

i get my CT scan results tomorrow morning.

it has been a hard week waiting for the rest of my life.
i have been trying to take it really easy as dr lu says i must.
its a short update,
but im asking that you visualize for me a body free of cancer cells.
sparkly clean

caryn..