fuck everything. (x rated potty mouth post).

of course i did not write when i was dancing high and full.
when i completed my stunning new doula website.
when new photos of my products were shot.
when the dance continued and filled all those in it with love and connectedness.

guess what i get for my birthday?

a fucking inconclusive MRI.
taken tuesday (100mg of benadryl is way too much) and receptionist who told me the tube was completely closed and i would be in it for an hour which is why i took the benadryl, hey receptionist:
FUCK YOU. get your shit straight! this is my life you are misinforming.
benadryl left me shaky through until the end of wednesday.

i woke from a nap with hazel today and found a message from 'the university of michigan' could i please return the call. seriously? that is all you are going to say and you expect me to call you back? how about what department you are calling from? how about what it is concerning?

the woman says the technician wants me to return for an ultrasound. further testing.
that is enough to freak my shit out. why? i ask. oh we can't tell you that.
ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS? i might have even said that.
so would you like to schedule your ultrasound right now?
you are going to call a very recently healthy cancer survivor and tell her that she needs further testing and not tell her why? no i don't want to schedule a fucking ultrasound. click.

i phone my PCP. i speak to a nurse after breaking down crying to the male receptionist. actually i really need to speak to a nurse RIGHT NOW i can't wait for someone to call me back.

nurse reads the MRI report. its taking way to long for her to read it and i am getting near hysterical.
hysterical hysterectomy. I've been there.
so there is a non-mass enhancement in my right breast.
please nurse, what is a non-mass enhancement?
oh you DONT FUCKING KNOW? this is awesome. the fucking medical community really knows how to respect me in my time of need. oh my doctor will call me back? today? you think so? i need to talk to her today, this is ridiculous. its my birthday tomorrow. . . happy fucking birthday to me huh?

while waiting for my PCP to call the office of my oncologist called about scheduling an ultrasound
AND a mammogram. i had a mammogram a few months ago. are you sure? the imaging people told me just an ultrasound. whats that you say? anytime you have a mass you need to. . . oh I'm going to cut you off there. is it your first day? its a NON-MASS. are you looking at my chart. its a NON-MASS, not a mass. it my life a joke to you? do you think you could read my fucking chart before you call me?

PCP calls. no new information. does not put me at ease at all about if i should be concerned or not.
a non-mass means it is not a clearly outlined mass. its more foggy like a shadow. I'm mot sure if this is better or worse.

fuck my genes.

happy birthday ultrasound scheduled for tomorrow.