i had a redo

birthday the day after my own.
a whole bunch of my favorite people in all the world
gathered up at the rollerskating rink in brighton
and we has more fun than fun.
really, i think I'm healing my middle school trauma of never being asked to dance/skate with a boy.
hazel was so great, she totally did not need us at all,
she small-step-skated for hours.
we wore sequined headbands because it was a flashback to the 80's.

my fear/anger/terror is shifting.
this is something i just have to get through.
and i know i will be okay.

i have to choose between two different biopsy options. both done in an MRI machine.
nothing showed up on the mammograms or on the ultrasound, which is good.
but there is now way to know if its benign thus needles in my boob.
(for me that is the scariest part as the analgesic shot they gave me to remove my port
was one of the most painful things i have ever experienced.

yesterday was sunday and matt was off burning.
hazel and i went to dance church off huron.
complete total bliss. her shirt off, running sticking' out her round belly in a little pink ballet shirt.
girl is in her body.
i went in feeling such despair and isolation and fear/sadness.
and DEAR CARLA i came out breathing and in love.
dance is my heart tool now.
its really deep and i don't know that you can understand unless it is yours too.
it rocks my world.
and has introduced me to still a new community of dearest loved ones.

after nap we went out to the medicinal garden to get all dirty with the mother
and pull up the duff to greet the little babies.
hazel is finally in a place where we can be outside and play or not play together
yet i can be fully immersed in my plant passion
and often she is right beside me.

today i taught her how to talk to the plants if she wants to glean from them.
to ask permission and listen closely for the answer.