i have chosen to recreate my university care-pages blog in a new crispy form.
because often i feel alone.
still dealing with the disfigurement.
the loss.
the fear.
the timelessness.
the anger.
the pity.
the out-of-body ride.
i think of you.
you whom gave so freely of your love in 2013.
have you filled the space i rested in in your mind with something new?
i realize i still need you.
my body is free of cancer today.
but it is still pulsing with poison.
debilitating tendonitis.
and tales of intestinal woe.
ive come to an alone place after a long time of knowing
so deeply the love of my community.
should i seek now only the company of strangers who have also survived cancer?
i ask still for your prayers.
i have much to tell.
please visit me here.
Your spaces in my heart and mind are reserved for you and only you. No one else can fill them. You are unique and my connection with you is unique. I am not good about being in touch right now. I am not sure how to explain this. I am glad you are expressing yourself and letting us know you need us, that you feel our absence. I feel strongly for the feelings of loss and fear you are experiencing. I am still in post-cancer timelessness and out-of-body ride myself. The poison pulsing throughout my system eventually receded, but it left it's mark. The feeling of toxicity is so bad. It makes me want to cry just thinking about you experiencing this too. We tried so hard to live cleanly. And then ... chemo. Everything you have said makes sense. Your words express things that I did not allow myself to utter. Thank you for the gift of your expression and honesty.
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