the update i mean.
matt is in the kitchen making me a bagel after i just cried all over myself post watching the last episode of season two of downton abbey.
i still cant accept this.
will i ever?
maybe its like giving birth to a beautiful child and loving them so deeply and seeing the miracle and thinking, 'i just cant understand this beauty maybe i will later'. . . and you ask a mother with an older child and she says 'no you never do, you never will understand.'
except they cut out my ovaries and my uterus and my eggs were all rotten and i was just getting up the courage to that possibly i could have another child and now i cant ever ever and im a really good momma, i really am.
im really mad. and im really feeling sorry for me.
i still cant accept this.
will i ever?
maybe its like giving birth to a beautiful child and loving them so deeply and seeing the miracle and thinking, 'i just cant understand this beauty maybe i will later'. . . and you ask a mother with an older child and she says 'no you never do, you never will understand.'
except they cut out my ovaries and my uterus and my eggs were all rotten and i was just getting up the courage to that possibly i could have another child and now i cant ever ever and im a really good momma, i really am.
im really mad. and im really feeling sorry for me.
today we met with dr. liu and asked her an exceedingly large amount of questions. i like her very much. although she cant promise me anything and i wish she could. i wish i had magic powers on that note.
we ended up spending three and a half hours at the hospital in the end, waiting, seeing a chemo scheduling nurse, and getting blood drawn.
oddly enough dr. liu finds much alignment with the mcmullens (the anthroposophical / steiner doctors in town. . .i have an appointment.
oddly enough dr. liu finds much alignment with the mcmullens (the anthroposophical / steiner doctors in town. . .i have an appointment.
we cancelled our therapy per exhaustion and later met with my dear friend jim mcdonald. topics mostly concerning bone broth, supplements and mushrooms, specifically turkey tail.
my chemo is scheduled for the 14th at 8:15 in the morning.
an all day ordeal.
im terrified.
im terrified.
im terrified.
an all day ordeal.
im terrified.
im terrified.
im terrified.
all i can think of is hazel really.
she is growing and changing so fast and i miss our intimate time together.
all i can think of is hazel because i want to be here for her.
she is the most special being in the world.
she is growing and changing so fast and i miss our intimate time together.
all i can think of is hazel because i want to be here for her.
she is the most special being in the world.
thank you though.
for all your gifts and cards in the mail, magic potions, mermaids, prayer blankets, juice fairies, food delivered, flowers, beyond kind words and courageous trust.
for all your gifts and cards in the mail, magic potions, mermaids, prayer blankets, juice fairies, food delivered, flowers, beyond kind words and courageous trust.
and time spent.
dearest sister.
selfless husband.
willing parents.
dearest sister.
selfless husband.
willing parents.
oh and quin. for spooning me the other night even though you do not like to cuddle.
good 'ol girl.
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