prose that is sad because sometimes i am

avoiding shock.
i was stable for years.
still afraid every day
that never changes.
tumors in my abdomen grew recently
and then they grew again
and spread to other places
one being my lungs.
i stopped the IV mistletoe.
i stopped the avastin.
i stopped the PARB inhibitor.
we have hired a company to search studies
hoping for immunotherapy.
before then
i am going to do a small dose of weekly
ABRAXAN.
ABRAXANE is a wild winged horse.
i had a dream.
i woke up with an electric shock surge through my body.
it felt like god.
chemo usually kicks things back quickly.
and i could really use some pain relief in my leg.
so i’m choosing what i didn’t want to choose before.
i can’t walk much.
never thought that would be my world.