cram it all in there OR suspended in jello.

I relent I have strayed.
it's been difficult to write.
I feel like someone is watching me.
it's the watching that causes me to fold inside myself.
hide my real beauty.

this will now here be an old fashioned solid update.

so peewee came out.
some days later I noticed some lower back pain.
some back pain that reminded me a lot of sciatica.
actually it felt like a lesser intensity of the pain I had had that got me re-diagnosed.
but I knew that pain.
i've also continued to have pain in my groin around the area where the tumor is located.

I contacted Dr. Uppal and gave him all this information.
he replied by ordering a PET scan a complete CBC and a urine test.
oh and an ultrasound of my kidneys!
yeah I wass shitting a brick too.
so today being Tuesday all that is done.

I was supposed to get the PET results the day after
yet I'm still waiting.
oh and they did enter them into my records so I CAN read the results online
even though I CANT UNDERSTAND THEM!
I can understand just enough to freak the fuck out of myself. excuse me.
part of the reasons I'm waiting is because I realized I don't want to get the results of these critically important tests from someone who doesn't know my case and doesn't know me. I'm so emotionally and energetically sensitive that I know it would be far more upsetting to me to get results that were not translated correctly for me from someone I don't know than to just wait until I can see Dr.Uppal on Thursday when I'm scheduled for chemo. not to mention that sometimes the PAs translate the information to sound completely different than Dr. Uppals take.

I was able to understand the results put into my record regarding the kidney ultrasound:

so she hung out for a long time there on my bladder and I started to get really nervous.
when she finished she said she had to go talk to the radiologist to make sure she got all the information that was needed. That's the same statement that said to me when I originally got diagnosed with cancer in 2013. So then Im crazy nervous. Basically for a good 20 minutes,
10 on my bladder and 10 waiting in the room with my friend Kate I convinced myself that I must have bladder cancer and I started bawling my eyes out.
mostly thinking about my baby girl.

The tech bless her gentle heart saw my distress and told me that she didn't see anything that looked off with the ultrasound. she is an angel forever to me.
she also told me that I have a kidney stone in my left ureter very close to the connection with my bladder.

so I went home and studied up a bit about kidney stones.
pain as intense as childbirth is what people seemed really jazzed about saying.
I don't remember if I told you this but the pain I had back in August of last year that ended up getting me diagnosed with reoccurring cancer went like this:
I couldn't speak.
I couldn't move.
my dear friend Kirry who was performing a concert in Taos had to leave that concert at break and drive me back to her house I was in so much pain. There was no way I could even get to the hospital. Excruciating pain in my left groin I was writhing. once I got re-diagnosed it took me a while to remember that incident actually but I thought it was the cancer paining me.
now I'm convinced it was a kidney stone passing from my kidney through my left ureter.

yet another CT scan has been ordered for me because of this kidney stone.
why don't they just chop me up into little pieces and put me on a slide?
now I have all these questions that I'm waiting to get answered.
could the kidney stone at the end of my ureter be what actually caused my kidney dysfunction as opposed to the tumor? Has the pain been the kidney stone this whole time? Apparently stones are supposed to pass within a few days but if if what I'm feeling is correct I've had this kidney stone
since august of last year! for now im going to refuse the CT. flippant.

tomorrow is chemo # 7
tomorrow i talk to dr. uppal and hopefully there is clarity up in there.

c.