today i fell in love with my daughter for who she is as a being separate from me. i have been the kind of mother who fears the day her child will withhold love. the devotion to this little thing is so great the thought of not being enveloped is so painful i had been carrying real pain in my body over it. i had not been ready to let hazel go. and this teacher cancer that i have has helped me to do that without even realizing i was. that i needed to for her and for me.
today was the first day i saw myself in this child's face so intensely. my heart got so big and fuzzy i thought it would ooze out of my skin. she is beautiful. she is cozy in her soft clothes. she will not let me put her hair up in pig tails, only bubbe can do that. she is a certain way with me you know? because i am the mother i get the whines and the unaware dismissiveness. i never see the side of her that is when i am not there. today i saw it.
i had been napping on jenna's porch letting the sun warm my bald head. (my most favorite autumn weather was today).
i had just spent an hour talking to her amazing neighbor about parenting and a child's spirt and steiner school and child development and her births and i told her, 'you know it is fine if your boys ask me why i have no hair it needs to be normalized my someone who is seeing cancer as teacher instead of death bringer.' and she said 'you know i don't know if they even noticed honestly they probably just thought you looked different.' so true.
bubbe pulled into the parking lot with hazel and she b-lined it for her tricycle which has been living on this porch. i said hello and she. . . . . . eh? you know. my mother said something like 'not even a hello for your mama?' and i said 'you know its okay she's excited to ride her bike and play with silas and its okay. I'm not hurt. '
ohhhhhhhhhh I'm not hurt. hmm. I've learned that if i petition her for love it feels not good and what i get not true. so I'm learning to stop that. i watched this little girl. she is so kind! so kind to her little friends. 'oh let me help you with that' and 'do you want to switch bikes' and 'levi ill help you take out the recycling' and 'oh mama do you want me to go get your phone?' and so gently. the neighbor mama relayed a conversation hazel had with her son last time quin was over. hazel had quin on a leash and told the boy that quin does not like kids except for her because she lived with quin and that he should not pet her and that he should know that, something like, don't feel sad because she is like that with everyone. her awareness of others feelings was for me to see today.
i thought with the separation i would be lost not having her all the time with me. that she would not love me 'enough' and we would grow apart somehow. it is instead a blessing because i am seeing some of who she is. for the first time i get to see who she is when am not there. and I LOVE HER SO MUCH! i love this little person who is separate from me. her heart is so big and she loves so big and she treasures her life experiences already. this is a child who will look up from making a house out of a cardboard box, pause, and say, 'mama I'm so happy right now!'
she is so supported it really blows my mind. when i was growing up i didn't have a close non-blood auntie or even grandparents that were close. she has a big enough family to put on a really rad big-top circus show. and I'm so happy for her. yes part of it is me and part of it is matt but a big piece of it is the magic she has that is all her own.
peace out hazey.
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