getting on the train track

today was a really hard day.
i woke up in excruciating pain.
from the stint (oye the stint) but mostly the tumor site.
apparently i was not taking enough of the pain meds given to me after the procedure.
thank the goddess for my heartsister jenna.
she stayed on the line with the urology nurse figuring out a precise schedule to manage my pain.
now i can breathe and think again.
in that moment in all that pain the fear got big and that is a place i don't want to dwell in.

so if you have never had a stint in your urethra let me tell you don't start now.

i got sent home from chemo on tuesday because from what i understand
the stint had not had enough time to support my kidney function, and it was too low
for chemo to be administered safely. thats always a bummer.
i had my coloring book and everything.

so recheck on blood levels tomorrow (hazels 5th birthday) and then hopefully chemo friday.
dr lu. is devising a plan of support through acupuncture and chinese medicine.
master kim and the sun shen discipleship is supporting me with boatloads of chi.
and i have a cancer specialist chiropractor on board i will see tuesday next week.

okay so there is a bit more i want to share with all of you.
I've waited until the appropriate people had first hand knowledge,
that now done:
matt and i are separating.
this choice is completely mutual. done in love.
we will be much happier people in this new realm.
for my health to make radical remission this is necessary.
we have struggled long and done so much work,
it has in fact gotten us to the place where we can do this in grace.

that said.
i am currently staying with my friend jenna cause she is rad.
we are selling our house and matt may or may not stay that whole duration.
i originally thought i would want my own space with hazel,
a space full of light and creativity, i still do
but more pressing is my desire to be held in love.
i don't want to be alone right now.

so this is a crazy lot to ask,
and i do already have another option,
but i want to know what sits in the universe should i need to relocate.
please let me know if you have a spare bedroom where i could crash
and have some support.
i may never need.
i think it would just comfort me and help me stay in the moment.
i hope that makes sense.

I'm feeling so much love from all.
its carrying my spirit.

c.