my guts are back.

for so so long there were not here so i could not move in complete trust or they were here and i did not listen to them.
i can feel them holding place in my belly now. i say this in reference to my deciding to switch oncologists this time around. it was a really really good idea but not usually a suggested move when someone knows your history so well.
but dr uppal has a heart! and a bedside manner! he looks me in the eyes and comforted my by holding my hand for a moment after he had told me the cancer was back and i was balling my eyes out. 
this morning he called me on the phone. thats right you heard me he called me on the phone.
i know.
he wanted to check in with me about what was the best choice to make about my internal stint right now.
(removal just prior to not tomorrows chemo but the next round).

then he asked me how my pain was, and i had been wanting to tell him about this and jenna trusted good direction 
but i was afraid to trust for being let down by my body. 
remember the morphine? and then the morphine and the oxycodone? 
I'm hardly taking it any more. maybe one 5mg tablet or tops two a day. 
i had been taking 2-3 every 3 hours.

he reacted to my announcement with audible excitement in his voice!
im not exaggerating.
he said 'oh caryn that is such good news!'

this is so because the hope/assumption is that i need less pain meds because my pee string and vein are being squeezed less because my tumor is shrinking. and i have only had one round of chemo so far.
big breath.
thank you guts.