december third 2016

my divorce is final.
i dont feel any different.
maybe i feel relieved because we dont need to compromise officially anymore.
maybe i feel relieved because he might start to take down some walls.
maybe im sad (still) because i tried to make something beautiful and it fell apart.
does that ever go away? im serious.
i think it only does if you fall in love again.

reguardless im feeling more peace.
and there is hazel. she is everything. the only reason why its all worth it.
you get it.
i yelled at her today.
she hit me full force with her little hands.
because i stuck by my word when she decided not to listen.
when i yell at my daughter i hate myself until it gets quiet.
when i yell at her i sound like my father used to sound when he yelled at me.
i apologized later and told her i was really really mad about what she did.
but its not okay to yell like that and i was really sorry.
'its okay mama i forgive you.'

im struggling with this blog again because i want to write whatever i want to write.
sometimes i get mad and sometimes i get pissed.
and sometimes im not with open heart.
so im sacrificing my creative expression so as not to upset a few select people.

poll in love toward a few select people:
if you find offense in what i write please instead of reading it-
stop reading it.
i choose to enable my heart.
more for me than anyone else.
maybe one day for hazel.
i feel like ive distanced myself from a very large part of my community over the last year.
i felt so held and connected at first and then things got real messy with matt and i
didnt feel free to dump it out anymore.
i miss feeling close.

im recovering well.
i apologize for no update post second craniotomy.
the reason for this is explained above.
status is they are not sure he got it all out because there was a shadow on the MRI.
so at the end of december ill have another scan.
tremors in my left hand have improved.
i did have a seizure the day before my surgery,
likely caused by the tumor.
i think the most terrifying 15 minutes of my life.
i dont recommend it.
the state of michigan forbids me to drive for 6 months.
oh jesus.

c.



post surgery with my girls.