it is ironic.

I've been pretty happy of late id say.
enjoying my livingness.
excited about little things.
in the moments moment so i dont worry about what i trick myself into thinking i should be doing.

today i went for the 6 week results of the post 2nd brain surgery.
remember they saw something on the MRI while i was still in house
and werent sure the tumor was removed in full.
its clear.
its clear.
'its quiet in there' dr orringer says.

I always brace myself.
because more often than not the results have been bad.
now im going to live longer.
maybe even longer.

and i feel queasy.

ive been happy yet not doing much.
my apprenticeship ended for lack of funds.
my organization biz is on the slow start up.
i have a doula client in march.

when i have no hazel i dont have anything i have to do.
and that has been fine.
because my mind and heart have been in creativity.
until now.

i think that coasting needs to end.
im overcome suddenly with a lonliness that had abated.
and a lack of direction that feels like everything falling in.

h left this morning for school and i wont see her until the morning of the 27th.
i dont love that.
she told me last night that she was going to the mall with grandma and grandpa
to see the real Santa.
and get her photo taken on his lap.
'santa fairy?' i said.
and almost threw up in my mouth.
i told m. to make sure its an african american santa please.

i feel shame for being not only grateful there is no cancer in my brain.
of course i am thankful.

cancer is twisted what it does to your thinking and your living.

c.