'twas not the time.

hey all you people who love.
i feel you there.
ive felt you wondering why no information com'ith.
i wondered too.
on friday night i ate some pot cookies and inadvertantly came to see why i had not written.
i was keeping myself under the rugs.
intentional solitary confinement.
i was teetering in and out of depression daily and deeply and wanting to be rescued and feeling hopeless and without mercy from spirit.
ive gotten so much perspective on why i depress and i did not want to chance drowning in there
from needing too much and too fiercely.
i had not been able to sense my intuitive knowing to be clear even what i wanted.
a very painful place to be.
im very vulnerable here, but that was not the kind of vulnerable i wanted to put out onto the winds.

this is one of my most favorite oil paintings i have ever seen.
its located at the u of m depression center. the people who hooted to put it there were very clever.
i feel happy when i look at it. i would like to take it off the wall and put it in my brains.



also there are things i want to write yet recoil from thinking someone might judge me or be uncomfortable or angry. it kinda sucks because im feeling lots of things and i really want support and some of the things i want support around involve other people and how our behaviors interact.



here is a photo of me in a very sheek pink sparkle wig.
if you are reminded at all of the cadence of kurt vonnegut's writing here i love you lots.
this is the only wig i will ever wear.
it matches the circles under my eyes.

what have i been up to?
well i had 25 sessions of radiation. it was okay. very surreal and that did not lessen with time.
i had lots of almost healthy debates with a dark haired very opiniated technician. he knew to put on the macklemore when it was my turn. i stopped changing into the hospital panys because i fuckin didnt want to. i did alot of visualizing of torrids dropping rainbow streams of light into my abdomen. my skin did not start to burn until the last week. it blistered and peeled right off. i got tired yet did not let myself nap because that did not seem so emotionally safe to me. AND i have been seriously crapping my brains out if you can even call it crap.



here is a photo of me rolling in puppies. except i did not really roll in them because there was poo in various places on the floor. thank you barb.

i made a trip to karmanos with my mom. the doctor i saw spoke really really fast it was kind of insane.
she basically said she will keep her eye out for studies for me. the current plan is that i will get a whole body CT scan around may 4th. the purpose of this is mostly to hopefully note that the cancer has not spread. i cant really think about how i might die even though its very important to greet that possibility and make peace with that possible reality so one can live with no fear. ive not been thinking about it instead im imagining the opposite. visualization is way more powerful than you could ever imagine. my main job right now is to cultivate presence and focus on my mental health. release things im holding onto. think about what i do want. if you ever have a real zaney fun adventure you want a chum to go on with you ask me! like if you are going to the redwoods or want to play with snakes or water ski. ask just ask. its living now.



this is me and auntie b and hazel. my sister and i reaching new levels of adoration. i love her.

its a lot.
i think now that bari and dan g. fixed my internets and i can walk like a duck i will be able to write more often and not need to do the catsup.


.

i will leave you with this amazing dog who will be 16 in july. today for the first time she got slippery on the wood floor and could not right herself. as if there was not enough pain already! its really sad and lonely to watch you best friend slowly fade. quin the super dog. she was once russet potato size in my hands out on the mesa. oh girl.