up late with side effects.

i cant sleep so well since my surgery, or my first chemo, im not sure which.

im laying my bets on the surgically induced menopause, but matt is not convinced. either way it sucks. ive always been such a good sleeper, or up late at night i had the energy to get things done and now i have only a strange anxiety/caged feeling i cant quite explain.
im gonna lay on some melatonin tonight you bet.

my next infusion is in six days. my hair started to come loose almost two weeks to the date after session one. i had an obsessive trichotillomania moment in the car and when i got home matt told me the top of my head looked like an old lady and i freaked and had him go get the buzzer.
hazel helped. i really wanted her to be there for it.
she keeps saying now, 'mamma hair gonna come back.'

speaking of the so brave little one, she threw up yesterday three times starting around four and so we had bubi and saba come pick her up as i am supposed to closely guard my immune system. word is she threw up four more times today and is completely lethargic and napish. i bring this up because every time she vomits she does it ever so calmly with no tears or shock. sometimes telling us just before. . . and ALWAYS after saying, 'im okay im okay.' it hurts to not be with her right now. im missing her sicky cuddle time so precious to a mothers arms.

its only been a month and a half since i was diagnosed. i see hanging in the back of my head all the things i have not yet mourned because the time is just not there. there is no space for these tears now as positivity has to push them out. im going through menopause. that alone is devastating.
i cannot have another baby, dont get me started. i have no uterus or ovaries and i am a freaking birth doula! i will not bleed anymore (i am the kind of animal who praises this time). really i have spent the past two years in grief and loss. take me here and i will remind you that i had to stop breast feeding hazel when she was ten months old. im absolutely sure this took my already frightful postpartum depression to a deeper dark dark hole.

for now though i feel pretty good. i think i like my shaved head. people keep telling me i look so much better than the last time they saw me.

i still owe all my gratitude to dr lu (the accupuncturist one)
he said, 'you are really healthy! you just have cancer.'

little hazelnut rest deep and soft and come home soon.