and i just dont write anymore.

its hell-of fucking hard if you want to know the truth.
i have good days, good half days, good hours.
marvelous realizations!
the work is pretty exhausting.
i wake up exhausted.
my main pains fluctuate between illness and aloneness.
ive gained alot of ground in my relationship with matt.
so much gratitude for that.
most of my pain is this:
im
fucking alone!
and nobody should have to go through this alone.
this is messed up.
im not forgetting you!
my family and close friends who remind me i am not alone.
but i am in the sense that i yearn for.
all of you have people!
not having a partner and experiencing this is devastating.
im real hung up on it which makes it worse.
real hung up right master kim?
someone to hold me,
even to be another body in my space here.
i want to be rescued.
which i know now is exactly the opposite of what will heal me.
i know partners can complicate.
but in the least there is a feeling of safty and protection.
sometimes i want to scream-
'adopt me!'
'let me put up a yurt in your yard!'
'who has a little cabin behind their home that is not in use?'
maybe one of these will come to fruition.
what i am here is a person who blossoms in community.
a person who goes to lengths to create new community.
a person who has often lived in community.
because it makes sense.
duh
c.