flowers of peas.

i dont want to write right now.
the lamp above my head is stimulating hot flashes.
i can feel the titanium plate in my head.
just from lightly touching it in wonderment.
it feels inpenetratable. the continuation of my robot sheath.
i wish i would have sighened off on allowing photographs during my surgery
so i could peer into my brains.

health update:
healing from surgery. still tender.
i had one blast of radiation to the cavity where the tumor was.
they made this mesh yellow mask to trap my head inside.
after half an hour the back of my skull was in hysterics.

now that ive had three reoccurances im aproved to take olaparib.
which is what i started taking yesterday.
one months supply is $7000 i kid you not.
my copay was .69 cents
why?
here is some on olaparib:
AND a beautiful man named chandan kumar introduced to me by my dearest jenna is my angel forever.

Targeted therapy is the result of about 100 years of research dedicated to understanding the differences between cancer cells and normal cells. To date, cancer treatment has focused primarily on killing rapidly dividing cells because one feature of cancer cells is that they divide rapidly. Unfortunately, some of our normal cells divide rapidly too, causing multiple side effects.

Targeted therapy is about identifying other features of cancer cells. Scientists look for specific differences in the cancer cells and the normal cells. This information is used to create a targeted therapy to attack the cancer cells without damaging the normal cells, thus leading to fewer side effects. Each type of targeted therapy works a little bit differently but all interfere with the ability of the cancer cell to grow, divide, repair and/or communicate with other cells.

Olaparib is a targeted therapy. Olaparib is a poly (ADP-ribose) polymerase (PARP) enzyme inhibitor, including PARP1, PARP2, and PARP3. PARP enzymes are involved in DNA transcription, cell cycle regulation, and DNA repair. Olaparib is a potent oral PARP inhibitor which induces synthetic lethality in BRCA 1/2 deficient tumor cells through the formation of double-stranded DNA breaks which cannot be accurately repaired, which leads to disruption of cellular homeostasis and cell death.

other alternative therapies being looked into currently are:

introveinous high dose vitamin c therapy and immunotherapy (studies).

AND how am i going to support myself AND how will i continue to pay for these therapies once im officially divorced with will be soon AND what can i focus on besides all day every day self care AND how to stay calm while my daughter is whine-thrashing AND my parents so generously invested in a near infared sauna so we can all detox man (thank you mamapapa!) AND i dug the living poop out of the last boxwood in my yard this afternoon AND its hard sometimes and i still cry a lot but its less than before AND now when i cry im actually getting somewhere AND i miss co-parenting AND im lonely in my head AND thats all i got.

EXCEPT that i want to thank all of you who have been bringing amazingly delish food for me and hazel to eat. like right now i literally have a 20lb salmon in my fridge. bhahahahahah! you have all been so salmon-generous and kind and even when we are not hear you leave food presents on our porch and it really gives me a big break to not have to cook constantly and that is a blessing and luckily hazel will eat anything so that rocks. i love you all muwwwaaaaah!

c.