settling.

first these things for the story all together:

1. dr lu grins and tells me I'm finally doing better.
he did. before this nothing. even when I felt my mental state was improving. 
nothing. this time. a smile. you know it's more where my mind is than 
what he sees inside right? it is. it is everything. 
trust me. I have come to know this with repeated experience. 
one has to go on living first. and not just that. 
in truth. in gratitude. in the direction of fulfillment. 

2. why doxil is red.
okay so this is really wild. at infusion earlier this month my taxol
was exchanged for doxil. it's red. like cherry juice red. like kool aid red. 
creepy. the nurse did not know why. the head nurse did not know why. 
I googled. I got this: red death. the red devil. yeah.
no more information could be found around color origin.
my nurse arrives later on with a print out from the pharmacist. she walked there
and back of her own volition. the pages say this:
so some soil was dug up from beside a 13th century castle. castle del monte in italy.
a bacteria was isolated that created a red reaction. this drug came from a friggin fairy castle!
wtf?

3. the party is in this room. it was, in my room. i had friends who had flutes and yummy snacks and lots of art projects and rainbow dash was there too. the hospital art director was drop jawed.
she had never seen anything like this before. this is how we do it.

4. why sorting through rusty bolts, plastic silverware, and hunting gear brings me my ultimate joy.
it just does. literally. everything about it.