notes from caryn.

i am touched with a resurgence of love for my husband after reading this last entry. matt, i'm sorry i sometimes need things that aren't natural for you to give. you're paying attention to me and i can tell that you love me.

i have no idea what day it is. i do know that my surgery was scheduled for the 23rd which was a wed and i was suppose to stop eating at noon the day before. it's pretty much been a blur since then.

(this is suppose to be funny) i think i'm still hallucinating even though i'm no longer taking morphine. i know this because i keep opening my eyes to a room full of doctors starring at me and all that's coming out of my mouth is incoherent babble.

and that salve jar thingy was way more funny than matt made it sound. my sister literally held the jar salve out to me, i put my finder in it and then fell asleep.

there are lots of tiny little poop joke moments that are funny or when i'm in a space where my body isn't that uncomfortable i can laugh a little bit. but the reality of what is really going on here is so foreign to me i can't make sense of it.

i have heprin bruises all over the backs of my arms that are dark purple. my surgical incision is insanely painful. it's unfamiliar for me to be physically weak. to me mentally weak is something i understand and that's different.

its really scary to not know enough about what's going on around you to advocate for yourself and do the things you would normally do to help yourself heal.

i'm happy this hospital was here to take the cancer out of my body. but didn't expect to be left with sleepy bowels, bladder and an UTI.

i'm really sad that kate ulllman dropped off home made crackers for me and i can't eat them. i had to watch hazel eat one today. and what about all these delicious broths and juices we had planned jenna?

i'm scared a lot. i feel like i have so much ahead of me and i really thought i'd been through enough for awhile. i still don't understand why this is happening to me. and i have this little girl and she feels like all that matters and i can't be with her. and when i have chemo i definitely can't be with her. i want to live long enough to be a part of her life. i could cry at any moment if i keep thinking about it so i try not to think about it.

i can really feel that there's a lot of love out there for me. keep it shinning i can feel it. it's helping to hold me up.

ps. i want my sister to sleep with me every night.