focus in.

i must explain a bit further why i call out.
when i say i am lonely,
please know that in my everyday existence
i am expanding and am connected
and am soaking into all the love i receive.
i am not lonely always.

i am lonely when i think of my cancer.
the moment in comes to mind
i see a shadow version of myself sinking down
a deep long grey/black tunnel.
i am totally alone in this place
with flashes of vivid horrible memories
and my missing insides
and drifting in and out of a morphine daze
with feelings i don't yet understand
and no one to be so present with me like i desire.

that presence is in my mind exactly how i imagine it.

i frequently hit a wall expecting matt to fill this role
but he cannot.
and does not.
its craving women compassion.