it was a dreamy asking.

when i asked that question.

a dreamy somewhere in my guts was raw

but mostly i was wondering how all this works

this time around.

wondering why people disappear,

specifically i suppose for all different reasons.

I did not mean to have the effect on some of you that i seeem to have had.

I was not seeking apologies in any way.

i know we are all full in our lives and i am too.

it was never all about me reguardless of my health.

i dont even have the emotional space to keep 

all the connections i once had in my life.

let me say that again-

I dont have the emotional space 

which is why to some of you i seem to have dissappeared. right?

i have.

i know.

i love people i am hardly in contact with.

like really really love people.

that is sad for me.

I did not mean to ask that you do anything different.

really i didn't,

though i see now it might have seemed that way.

please.

help me understand.

are there people out there
that are so uncomforable with cancer
that they dissapear from your life
because being close would be just too painful?

c.

just to let you know.

this dresser used to rest
near the entryway of our
farm house where we lived
in the country. yellow backed
up against yellow walls that
nancy faux painted as a wedding
gift to us. this dresser was packed
with your records that hung
too heavy and snapped off the
bottom shelf then rested
there on the ground for months
because we were too busy fighting
to attend. also there was the record
player that we hardly used
and a thick buttery stack of
national geographics you did not
want to part with and in the end
tossed away. the pull drawers at
the top housed a mishmash
of rotating non-necessities. cd's,
a box of chicken feathers, keys that
unlocked nothing, fried batteries,
cassette tapes, and sand timers to
encourage our daughter to
dress herself. sometimes a stashed
away paci. it stayed strong while
we fell apart. yellow and true.
it hovered still and empty for months
trying not be be noticed while our
confusion ensued. when we sold
the farm that was our dream not any
longer i donated it to the dojo.
now it would rest against burnt red
walls. yeasterday i saw something
magic. it has become a house for holy
things! holy of holies!
votives, ceremonial cloths, tiny vases
then boxes of kleenex and matches.
sacred images stand atop it.
it is now out of our hands.
i thought you might like to know
something cleansing and lovely has
come of that pain.

it is ironic.

I've been pretty happy of late id say.
enjoying my livingness.
excited about little things.
in the moments moment so i dont worry about what i trick myself into thinking i should be doing.

today i went for the 6 week results of the post 2nd brain surgery.
remember they saw something on the MRI while i was still in house
and werent sure the tumor was removed in full.
its clear.
its clear.
'its quiet in there' dr orringer says.

I always brace myself.
because more often than not the results have been bad.
now im going to live longer.
maybe even longer.

and i feel queasy.

ive been happy yet not doing much.
my apprenticeship ended for lack of funds.
my organization biz is on the slow start up.
i have a doula client in march.

when i have no hazel i dont have anything i have to do.
and that has been fine.
because my mind and heart have been in creativity.
until now.

i think that coasting needs to end.
im overcome suddenly with a lonliness that had abated.
and a lack of direction that feels like everything falling in.

h left this morning for school and i wont see her until the morning of the 27th.
i dont love that.
she told me last night that she was going to the mall with grandma and grandpa
to see the real Santa.
and get her photo taken on his lap.
'santa fairy?' i said.
and almost threw up in my mouth.
i told m. to make sure its an african american santa please.

i feel shame for being not only grateful there is no cancer in my brain.
of course i am thankful.

cancer is twisted what it does to your thinking and your living.

c.

december third 2016

my divorce is final.
i dont feel any different.
maybe i feel relieved because we dont need to compromise officially anymore.
maybe i feel relieved because he might start to take down some walls.
maybe im sad (still) because i tried to make something beautiful and it fell apart.
does that ever go away? im serious.
i think it only does if you fall in love again.

reguardless im feeling more peace.
and there is hazel. she is everything. the only reason why its all worth it.
you get it.
i yelled at her today.
she hit me full force with her little hands.
because i stuck by my word when she decided not to listen.
when i yell at my daughter i hate myself until it gets quiet.
when i yell at her i sound like my father used to sound when he yelled at me.
i apologized later and told her i was really really mad about what she did.
but its not okay to yell like that and i was really sorry.
'its okay mama i forgive you.'

im struggling with this blog again because i want to write whatever i want to write.
sometimes i get mad and sometimes i get pissed.
and sometimes im not with open heart.
so im sacrificing my creative expression so as not to upset a few select people.

poll in love toward a few select people:
if you find offense in what i write please instead of reading it-
stop reading it.
i choose to enable my heart.
more for me than anyone else.
maybe one day for hazel.
i feel like ive distanced myself from a very large part of my community over the last year.
i felt so held and connected at first and then things got real messy with matt and i
didnt feel free to dump it out anymore.
i miss feeling close.

im recovering well.
i apologize for no update post second craniotomy.
the reason for this is explained above.
status is they are not sure he got it all out because there was a shadow on the MRI.
so at the end of december ill have another scan.
tremors in my left hand have improved.
i did have a seizure the day before my surgery,
likely caused by the tumor.
i think the most terrifying 15 minutes of my life.
i dont recommend it.
the state of michigan forbids me to drive for 6 months.
oh jesus.

c.



post surgery with my girls.